23rd February, 2005. 4:15 pm. this morning
I woke up this morning at about 5:15, I couldn't get back to sleep at all so I got up. I sarted to look at some porn and decided that it didn't interest me so I had to find something else. So I got off the couch and thought about taking a shower then relized that I should exercise first. I kept on exercising and after two hours and a lot of sweat I relized that I had broke open a few scabs from a while ago doing push ups and it felt good. I thought that maybe I should go run so I did. I was already hot and sweatty so the cold wasn't a problem. To keep the sweat flowing I thought that wearing my boots would make it a little more interesting. I ran for what I figure is about 21/2 miles or so then walked a bit after that. While I was walking I started to think about all the things that have be destroying me from the inside and all the things that I have done to try to make these things better. I realized alot about what i've been doing and all the expectations I had for my future with her. and as I walked and I could feel the sweat pouring off my face and down my neck rolling like streams into the snow that I was crushing beneath my feet. Everything that has made me feel weak inside was all my doing I was trying to make things exist and relive found memories. Once I got home from my run\walk I changed into a pair of basketball shorts and sat on the floor listening to the music that I had left on when I left and, as I sat there drinking the huge glass of water that I had gotten from the tap, I relfected on the way that I have handled all the situations that I had such high hopes for and relized I can't hope for someone else to get excited about the same things i did or hope for the same desires or willingness that once existed. Exercising for as long as I did, seeing whrere I had bled and how it instently mixed with sweat while my heart was beatng a thousand times a minute sitting on my knees on the floor closing my eyes feeling the water in the push down and away I felt alive for the first time in a while that I truly felt alive and nothing could take this feeling away. Even though I wasn't smiling or really thinking anymore, feeling that good was made through pain. I felt a burning throbbing pulse comming from deep inside of me and everything finally felt right to me.
I can no longer worry about things that are out of my control but I can hope that the things that you said were with the utmost sincerity and comitment. I am not ready for a beard ofshame but, neitehr of us can play pretend.
If I can control myself as well as I can control that burning feeling nothing will ever stop me from being content...................
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18th January, 2005. 1:17 am.
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9th January, 2005. 11:53 pm. weekend
I didn't do a whole lot this weekend. A few things I wanted to do but, I have plenty of time to do what I want.
Went with Jess to get ink done on her back, it looks pretty fucking sweet.
Really cute on her too.
I need to get my exercise equipment from 811 so I can lift at home.
I get my room mate soon, that will be cool.
James and I have been trying to get my other comp. working. I can have 2 computers then, i'll be all like NASA and shit.
I miss you too. I miss you more though.
I dont really want a room mate but, I don't like being here alone.
You really need to move, I hate where you live. You are the only thing worth shit in that house.
I'm gonna buy a camera soon, I want one.
im going to Missouri soon too.
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7th January, 2005. 6:12 pm. wish list
Sometimes I wish that I were a machine. If I were a machine, just on the inside, I would never stumble or fall. I would be without fault or failure..........it would be great. Never have doubts about anything I were doing, I would just go and go. Never have to question my own actions or ideas. I would be on a relentless mission to destroy everything in my way. No feelings would sloe me down or confuse me, I would just be.
where the fuck is my McWorld.........fuck you McDinglefritz
Current mood: eh...
6th January, 2005. 4:59 pm. always
sometimes I open my mouth to much.
I shoveled snow for so fucking long today and bashed my knee up pretty bad.
You're the only one who comprehends me
I tell them my spirits lift with every card
you send me. Im trying to be the
Perfect boy the one you've wished for
And now its like a dream when I
hold you in my arms.
Dont turn you pretty face away
I dream about you when i sleep
Id wait a thousand lifetimes
Just to see you smile
You are always on my mind.
Sometimes it seems so hard, too complicated
Untile i can reflect on the years I've
Waited, to find you now nothing
Matters more then being with you
Not the distance or the miles between
My heart i give to you.
Current mood: tired of breathing.
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3rd January, 2005. 2:16 pm. last night
last night was pretty good got to see some people that I have not seen in a long long time, Eric and Berry, and I also got to see more of Rich but, alas, he leaves for the big city today. James was there to but, he's not leaving and I see him a lot anyway so yeah. We played poker and I hope we play again next sunday, its a tradition that would be fun to start, I am liking the game more and more.
Last night was not good once i tried to go to sleep.
I think a new harry potter book comes out this month but, I am not sure.
I can't wait to see what I got you. On you, that is.
if it causes me to loose sleep, why still do it.
so fucking tired.
31st December, 2004. 7:11 pm. new year
well, that was fun. Now lets go out and party! With my parents!
Then we can continue where we left off.
your first hour at my house for the weekend was pretty good, lets see if it can get better.
I look like a fag with my hair like this....
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27th December, 2004. 10:08 pm. fucking A right
I Will Burn to Death!.
During one of your well known sex romps with the local slut, you neglected to put out your cigarette, and set fire to your house. Thinking your whales and moans to be those of passion, no one bothered calling 911... your death was one of the most painful imaginable.. And you didn't even get to cum.
Find out how you will die, Take the Death Quiz now!
http://thisisacryforhelp.com/ <------ go here this shit is funny as fuck.
20th December, 2004. 3:06 pm.
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20th December, 2004. 2:44 pm. who am (was) I?
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I have not decided if I was a better person when you met me or am I a better person now..... sometimes I think the old Brant was a better person but, the person I am now has many more better qualities. I have no idea what to think about this. Sometimes I feel better knowing that i have changed, then again, I feel like I had a lot more fun then and everyone seemed happy but, now they seem so far away. I hate this time of year, it makes me feel lonely. I really hate the thoughts going though my head too. I over evaluate things untill i have figured out every possible out come of anything I could do to change or improve any given situation. Then, when I think of these things, I feel like im being far to needy and I hate that more than anything.
The one thing I miss about the past is the fact I didn't let anything from anyone bother me and now, I can't push it all down and away till it no longer bothers me, i'm pissed about this. If I work hard maybe I can find the power locked inside of me. Maybe it like the 'force'. I think I should go to the dark side, its better over there. A clown told me everything floats down there.
My non related Grandma might die. I hate this time of year.
Current mood: fucked.